Comedic Ramblings at 2am.
Life - Don't talk to me about Life!
Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs, especially when you’re a comedian. One minute, I’m polishing a joke about the absurdity of daily routines, and the next, I’m caught up in the very chaos I’m trying to make light of. Balancing the demands of life with the pursuit of comedy is no easy feat sometimes.
Comedy, like life, is unpredictable. But while life doesn’t wait for me to finish writing that punchline, it does have a way of asserting itself—often at the worst possible moments. Whether it’s personal responsibilities that pile up or unexpected challenges that arise, there’s always something vying for attention, making it harder to focus on the craft. The struggle to find time to write, rehearse, and perform is real, and sometimes it feels like I’m being pulled in a million different directions.
And then there’s the mental and emotional toll that comedy takes. Writing jokes might seem like fun and games, but anyone who’s tried it knows that it’s a demanding process. I can spend hours crafting the perfect setup, only to have it fall flat in front of an audience. The pressure to be consistently funny, coupled with the inevitable failures along the way, can be exhausting. The highs of a successful set are often matched by the lows of self-doubt and frustration when things don’t go as planned. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and not everyone can handle the ride.
Yet, despite the challenges, there’s nothing quite like the buzz of performing comedy. That moment when I step onto the stage, with a piece I’ve written in hand, ready to share it with the world—it’s exhilarating. The nervous energy that courses through me as I wait for the audience’s reaction, the satisfaction when they laugh in all the right places, and the sheer joy of knowing that I’ve connected with them, even if just for a moment— can be addictive. Performing comedy is a rush, and it’s this feeling that keeps me coming back, even though I question my own sanity!
Comedy might feel like a solitary pursuit in many ways, but it’s also one that has brought me into contact with some of the most interesting, supportive, and downright hilarious individuals I’ve ever met. The camaraderie among comedians is something special; there’s a shared understanding of the struggles and triumphs that only those who’ve been through it can truly appreciate. These are the people who will lift me up when I’m down, laugh with me when I’m on a roll, and offer a shoulder to cry on when things don’t go my way and then turn round and call me a cunt - in the nicest possible way!
So, yes, life gets in the way. Comedy is mentally and emotionally taxing. But it’s also a thrill, a joy, and a privilege to be able to stand on a stage and share my perspective with others. The conflict between life and comedy is real, but it’s a struggle worth enduring. After all, the best comedy often comes from the messiest parts of life. And if I’m lucky, I’ll find that the journey itself is just as rewarding as the destination.
Playing around with AI (some more!)
As I am a glutton for punishment, and that i'm far too busy writing actual material rather than stuff for you lot to read and comment on (comments off!) I decided to put my new 20 min set into ChatGPT and asked it to pretend it was a psychologist with a sense of humour. Here's what it came up with. Where's that straight jacket?
Embracing Chaos and Finding Humour - [The following article is generated by ChatGPT]
Oh, what a delight! Life as a comedian is a marvelous amalgamation of existential angst, romantic misadventures, and a deep-seated aversion to anything resembling personal responsibility. If this life were a sitcom, it would be a surreal blend of "Fawlty Towers" and "The Office," with a dash of "The Twilight Zone" for good measure.
First up, let’s talk about the fine art of procrastination and self-sabotage. It’s an art form perfected to rival the great masters, except instead of masterpieces, what's being created here are missed deadlines and broken promises. Nervous energy often spills over into blurting out whatever comes to mind, like a stand-up comedian testing new material at a children’s birthday party. But hey, why not channel that nervous energy into something productive? Maybe try speed-knitting or extreme ironing. If all else fails, start a blog titled "Confessions of a Compulsive Procrastinator."
Romantic life, oh, where to begin? Imagine watching a car crash in slow motion, except the car is a camper van, and the crash involves a lot of awkward first dates. Overselling oneself has become a routine – claiming to own a house when it’s really a van, and to be on TV when it's more like security footage from M&S. Honesty might just be the best policy here. Instead of exaggerating, embrace the truth. "Hi, I live in a Mazda Bongo and sometimes steal lingerie. How about you?" If they laugh, they’re a keeper.
Self-image issues? We've got those in spades. Comparing oneself to a stag with massive horns, then to a hornless baby goat, shows a deep struggle with self-identity. The monologue about being a flaccid, tinsel-covered, middle-aged person was both enlightening and terrifying. So, why not visualize yourself as something majestic, like a phoenix? Not the kind that rises from the ashes, but the kind that accidentally sets itself on fire while trying to cook dinner. Embrace your inner chaos.
Now, let’s tackle judgment and responsibility. It’s easy to blame external factors for misfortunes, illustrated by absurd hypothetical situations, such as blaming a tattoo for unemployment. Here’s a fun idea: start a series of motivational talks titled "It's Not Me, It's Definitely You." Focus on the humor of blaming inanimate objects for life’s woes. Remember, laughter is the best way to deflect responsibility.
Ah, nostalgia! The good old days of TV shows from the '70s and '80s seem to hold a special place in the heart. Detailed descriptions of TV characters involved in illegal activities are both bizarre and oddly specific. Embrace this nostalgia by hosting a retro-themed event. Dress up as your favorite 80s TV character and invite friends over for a night of reminiscing and questionable fashion choices. Bonus points if you can work in a vegan sausage on a fork.
Finally, let’s discuss the unique comedic style – repetitive and self-deprecating, reminiscent of a Dadaist poetry slam. Themes of regret and underachievement are sprinkled with dark humor, creating a rich tapestry of hilarity and existential dread. Double down on this style. Create a one-man show titled "My Life: A Tragicomedy in Three Acts." Highlight the absurdity of modern life and invite the audience to laugh at your misadventures. End with a heartwarming message about embracing imperfection and finding joy in the chaos.
Life as a comedian is wonderfully complex, teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown while simultaneously making people laugh until they cry. The best course of action is to lean into the chaos, embrace the absurdity, and always carry a sense of humor. After all, life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel – and in this case, it’s an uproarious blend of both.
So, get out there and turn that camper van of despair into a mobile stage of hilarity!
---- AI is just so bloody cheesy! - this line was not written by AI ----
Artificial Intelligence, Language Models and Bad Jokes - 4th June 2024
So, I was supposed to be in the United States for much of May, but the universe being what it is, last minute plans were scuppered by a text message about a family emergency, literally as I was putting my phone through the X-Ray machine.
Finding the funny in all of that was hard to say the least. Never have I checked in for a flight, gone through security only to end up back at my house two hours later. However, at least the food was better.
If that wasn't bad enough, I also found myself in need of legal advice for property issues. At this point I felt I needed to talk this shit through with an independent person. Now, most people would turn to a therapist, but frankly i've found something better and cheaper!
What do you need from a therapist? Someone who will listen, ask the right questions and not judge... until you tell them you have no more money!
What do you need from a lawyer? Someone who knows the law, can give you advice based on it and provide processes and documents... and of course someone who will chew your own arm off to make lots of easy money, while killing you at the same time. (there's a joke there somewhere, but really now now!)
And then of course, I am a comedian! So, FFS why can't I just make a joke about the whole thing and get on with my life. Because, it takes a lot of work, mental gymnastics and standing talking at people sitting in the dark who don't realise you are slowly dying inside! Quoting Mark Norman, "Comedy!"
But I discovered something, really really interesting. At least to me. While using ChatGPT to summarise an interview I had done with someone for an article I was writing (not to write it I need to clarify, just to pull out the salient points from the rambling conversation, so that I could then go back to the original audio and quickly find the quotes I needed) it occurred to me how useful it might be as a therapist and a lawyer.
I have to say, I was not wrong!
This beauty kills in these departments. Get your question right and the answers are quick, easy and man does it make you feel better. And at $20 a month... I can still afford a beer and hold on to both my arms...
As others have testified, it does not do comedy well at all!
I'm happy to be doing a lawyer and a therapist out of money... thankfully logic doesn't work for jokes.
Here is why... a joke written by ChatGPT based on everything i've just discussed.
CHATGPT: Here's a joke about a comedian, a lawyer, and a therapist:
A comedian, a lawyer, and a therapist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a setup for a bad joke?"
The comedian replies, "No, we're here for happy hour. And believe me, we all need it. The lawyer just finished a messy divorce case, the therapist had back-to-back sessions with a very stressed client, and I just bombed a gig."
The bartender laughs, "So what can I get you?"
The comedian says, "I'll take a beer."
The lawyer says, "I'll take a martini."
The therapist says, "I'll take whatever they're having. I'm used to dealing with their issues anyway!"
The bartender nods and says, "Coming right up! And don’t worry, the jokes here are on the house."
Writing about difficult situations
Hey this is comedy right! Comedy! Is it right to find comedy in difficult situations? There’s comedy in everything right? But, how as a comic, do you deal with it? This is a question I have been asking myself a lot recently.
There is so much horrible shit in the world right now, people just want to come out and escape from it right? Is comedy going to change anything? What makes change anyway? What is change?
“Oh, this is so philosophical and not funny at all,” I hear you and my inner voice screaming.
Does protest change the world? Does comedy? Probably not, BUT it raises awareness. It puts issues into a context that people who might not have been exposed to a particular situation may not have experienced. It makes people feel awkward, embarrassed in some situations and it makes people think about what they are being exposed to in a roundabout way. Audiences are not stupid (mostly) and they think about what I say, because I definitely do.
Writing about big issues is a huge responsibly. It could be argued it’s easier because it is not so personal, it’s based on third hand experiences. Even though those experiences may and do feel very real and have a profound emotional affect on me as a person and as a comedian, can I truly say I relate directly to them? Of course not. I am not sitting in a tent wondering if I am going to have a massive bomb drop on me while I sleep. I am not a person battling with my gender.
And yet, over the past year have written bits about the above, because they’ve have a profound emotional effect on me, and I do have an actual connection with. And yet, I’ve never performed them. Both bits that are analogies of the relevant situation.The analogies make them funny, because the analogies are ridiculous, where the situations themselves are deadly serious.
Am I in any position to turn these extremely difficult and complex situations into a comedic part of my set?
I want to be opinionated as a comic. I don’t want to do knob jokes, though I admit there are occasions when they slip in ;-), but it’s an interesting journey creatively and emotionally to have a comedic opinion on something deadly serious.
For context, I am going to put a little snippet of each piece below, they will probably never get performed, they are still work in progress, but maybe, just maybe the writing experience, the general gist of what I am trying to say, will come across. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should develop them into full bits. Only time will tell.
Please remember, these are unfinished, in progress, incomplete. If you want to know why they are personal to me, please contact me directly and I can explain.
BOX - extract
When I was growing up I wanted to be a cardboard box.
I really like boxes, even to this day. They have intrinsic value to me and I love the sound they make, you know when the flaps rub together.
So anyway, I wanted to be a cardboard box so I thought the best thing I could do was to get a big box from Amazon and wear it so I least looked like a box and people would know I was a box.
I cut holes for my legs and arms so my head popped out of the top. I kind of looked like a robot but I felt more like a box. What I was wearing made me feel a bit more like a box.
But it still wasn’t working for me. Even though I looked like a box inside I still felt like me. So I thought I needed to put something inside the box. To change me on the inside. So I felt like a box more to the core. So I went to Boots and went round the back, where they throw out all the old drugs, the ones that could be ok but they don’t know because they haven’t tested them. So I got all these bottles of untested drugs and I put them in the box. Now when I jumped up and down or moved I sounded more like a box. Like something was coming from the inside.
So now I looked like a box on the outside and sounded like a box but it still wasn’t good enough, so I tried to work out what the problem was, and I realised boxes don’t have legs! They bothered me. It was distracting from all the other box like changes I’d made and they were getting in the way.
DO ALIENS EXIST? - extract
Now look, I’m going to do something I don’t normally do here, which is to talk about a subject that’s a bit controversial.
It’s all over the news, different sides have different opinions and it can get quite heated. I mean it’s being going on since the 1940s, which is crazy and yet we still don’t have answers.
Depending on who you listen to, many people have been taken, abducted, disappeared, you know… a lot of people think there’s a coverup! They think that the Americans are really in control… but it’s a difficult subject.
But I really do want to talk about it! I think it’s important. It keeps me up at night. I mean, do aliens exist?
It’s a horrible situation right, not knowing. Not knowing the truth. Not knowing if your government is part of a big conspiracy. The media don’t report on certain things. The only place you can really find out about aliens, is from from the people who are there, on the ground, looking up. In the case of the aliens, I guess it would be cows looking up. Because you know, the aliens apparently mutilate cows.
They aliens come into the fields, over the fences, through the fences, they got into fields that really it should be impossible for them to get into, and they come in, and they apparently mutilate cows. I mean there are a few photos of mutilated cows, but really there isn’t a conclusive evidence.
And we the public, we’re desperate for more information about the aliens and if the cow mutilations are true. The public are shouting at the politicians about the aliens and the cows – they want to know the truth. But the politicians, with all the power, they just talk about how really, it is the farmer that should be upset.
The politicians just keep talking about how the farmer has the right to defend his fields from the aliens, but they are not considering all the badgers and other wildlife that are getting killed in the process of the farmer defending his fields. He has the right to defend his fields the politicians are saying! But now, even the National Farmers Union have got involved and they are saying that actually, they think that the farmers are taking carte blanche the, “you have the right to defend your fields” statement, as permission to do whatever they want and just kill all the rest of the wildlife.
No booze noodlings.
I’ve been musing over several new bits involving bags for life, cow juice, aliens and the crisis in the middle east, time and the meaning of life. All the normal things a comedian should think about, but not necessarily in that order.
Looking back at what I just wrote makes me somewhat worried about myself and the state of the world. How are they all connected? Are they connected and if so, how much cow juice can one get in a bag for life anyway?
What is the shelf life of a bag for life filled with cow juice? Is it the time it takes for the juice to curdle, the bag to disintegrate, or for the owner to pop off this mortal coil? And to that point, what the hell is a mortal coil?
Goggling….
So apparently, “coil” refers to ones troubles and strife, it’s olde English. Of course Shakespeare used it and, as Upstart Crow would say, he invented it. But he didn’t, same way as I didn’t invent humour about bags for life. For gods sake I saw bloody Cartman having a moment with one on South Park the other week.
But where is all this leading? Into a vortex of unrelated and somewhat disjointed prose? Well that has already happened. I’m just glad I got to use the word vortex and prose in one sentence.
To be honest it’s all probably related to me giving up the old sauce, the booze, the hooch, the grog, the snifters! I’ve got way to much time on my hands is what I am saying. Now where’s TikTok?
I performed at a Roast Battle recently, against a 21 year old Scottish guy called Hamish. Here are my roast jokes as they're no use for anything else anymore! 1. At the age of 21, Hamish isn’t old enough to have any good life experiences to use in his Comedy, that’s why he shot his parents, fucked his sister and raped a haggis. 2. Hamish is very proud of being Scottish, that’s why he decided to follow the Scottish dream and become unemployed and homeless, in England. 3. Hamish says he’s straight with no girlfriend, he has also been gay with no boyfriend and bi with desperation. 4. Hamish runs a lot because he used to be really fat, the running isn’t helping, but he’s further away so looks smaller. 5. Scottish Hamish told me he has three passions in life, his hoodies, his clan and black women. And he wonders why he’s still single. BU - Hamish says he’s being doing comedy for two years now with a terrible bomb to kill ratio, I guess the Israeli Defence Force will take anyone these days!
I wrote some bits for The Daily Mash, which they didn't like, so here they are for your delectation. Taylor Swift to swim English Channel. As a publicity stunt for her current US ‘Eras’ Tour, in which the birdlike songstress appears to swim from the stage out into the audience, Taylor Swift has announced that she will swim the English Channel for charity. Apple Vision Pro to finally gives kids of the 80s X-Ray Specs. For those of us who grew up in the 80s, the classic comics of the day always advertised X-Ray Specs. The glasses costing only £4.99 plus postage and packing, purported to give the teen-wearer the ability to peer inappropriately through clothing. Apple’s chief Cook, Tim, announced the i-Ray Spec App as part of the companies recent event, with a youthful glint in his all seeing eyes. Donald Trump reveals history of family name at rally. Ex-president and soon to become next president of the United States, Donald Trump, has unexpectedly revealed the history of the Trump name. The famously introspective finger pointer announced that his family come from a long line of trunk hunters. After being heckled by a Biden fanatic, Trump defended the trunk hunting, as unlike ivory merchants, trunk hunters do not kill the elephant, rather just remove the trunk, which according to Trump, “Grows back bigger and better than the one their before. It’s incredible.” British summer can only mean road chaos. The British summer is upon us and it can only mean one thing - purchasing cherries from roadside vendors. It’s an undisclosed fact that one of the main reasons for traffic chaos on the UK’s roads during the summer months, is cherry mad chefs. Desperate for the carbon covered red flavour bombs, the pie mad cooks will drive for miles, sometimes behind caravans, just to get the best sun shrivelled, diesel soot covered fruit. Football to adopt new level of refereeing. With the introduction of VAR to football, FIFA had hoped the technology would lead to a reduction of anxiety levels in fans around the world and hence lower the consumption of alcohol at matches. Unfortunately, FIFA Chief and small baby impersonator Gianni Infantino, failed to gauge the level of distrust in machines by team chanters. In an attempt to recover from the failed move, FIFA have created a specially genetically modified hamster variant to keep exact tabs on the game from within the ball. After complaints from animal rights groups, Infantino issued a statement which explained, “…that while it might seem cruel, it is obvious from extensive research on TikTok, that hamsters love spinning at high velocity and being fired off in random directions.” Loudspeakers are just too loud. Since Alexander Graham Bell invented the first loudspeaker in 1876, the pumping pieces of cardboard have entertained listeners with the wonders of techno, Jungle techno, Hardcore techno, Acid techno, Techno techno and more recently Lego techno. Today however, it was admitted by the Audio Engineering Society that loudspeakers might just be too loud. “Loudspeakers have got a bad rap over the last few decades, and with this in mind we have decided to rebrand loudspeakers as ‘quiettalkers’,” explained head of marketing Jan Hannity at a press conference whispered over a large PA.